-Opening night|-Opening night
It's opening night
It's Max Bialystock's latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open|They're on their way
Let's hear what they have to say
He's done it again|He's done it again
Max Bialystock has done it again
We can't believe it
You can't conceive it
How'd he achieve it?
It's the worst show in town
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There's no denying
It's the worst show in town
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss
We've seen shit|But never lik e this
Max Bialystock has done it again
The songs were rotten|The book was stinkin'
What he did to Shak espeare|Booth did to Lincoln
We had this specially made up|for Max Bialystock.
We couldn't leave faster
What a disaster
We are still in shock
Who produced this schlock?
That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock
What a bum
Hello?
Mr. Bialystock?
Anybody here?
Mr. Bialystock?
Who are you?|What are you doing here?
What do you want?
Speak to me, dummy. Speak!
Why don't you speak?
Scared. Can't talk.
All right, l'm sorry.
l'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold|of yourself. Come with me.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, right this way.|Watch your step.
Look, just--
Take a deep breath.
Let it out slowly.
-Who are you?|-l am Leopold Bloom.
l'm an accountant.|l'm from Whitehall & Marks...
-...and l've come to do your books.|-Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen--
-Who is it?|-Hold Me-Touch Me.
Hold Me-Touch Me.|One of my backers.
Listen, l have to meet|with an important investor.
Do me a big favour,|go to the bathroom.
-But l don't have to go.|-Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.
Be with you in a moment,|my darling.
Hold Me-Touch Me.|Where is Hold Me-Touch Me?
Kiss Me-Feel Me,|Clinch Me-Pinch Me...
...Lick Me-Bite Me, Suck Me--
Here she is. Hold Me-Touch Me.
You know, it worked.|As soon as l pictured Niagara Falls...
-...l didn't have any trouble at all--|-Back. Back. Don't make a sound.
Coming. Coming.
Hello, gorgeous.
-Hold me, touch me.|-As soon as l shut the door.
Did you bring the checkie?
Bialy can't produce plays|without checkies.
Here you go.
But first,|can we please play a game?
One dirty little game.
All right, my little sex kitten.
What shall we play?
The Debutante and the Bricklayer?
-Oh, no.|-No.
How about the Rabbi|and the Contortionist?
You like that one, mama,|keeps you limber.
l know.
Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid|and the Well-Hung Stableboy.
l don't think l have the strength.
-Don't worry, l'll be gentle.|-All right.
Oh, dear...
...this milk is so heavy.|l'll never reach the house.
You there, well-hung stableboy.
Won't you please help me?
Of course, my little dairy queen.
First l'll take your milk.
Then l shall take your virginity!
No! No! Never! Never!
Yes. Yes.
Give it to me, well-hung!|Give it to me.
Darling, wait,|l haven't even had coffee yet.
-Take it easy. Take it easy.|-Oh, my God.
Send me to the moon, you animal.|Send me to the moon.
Yes. Yes, my darling.|Thursday. Come back Thursday.
l'll send you to the moon Thursday.|l may even join you.
But first, the checkie.
Where's the checkie?|Come on, come on, find the checkie.
Here you go.
l made it out, like you told me,|to the title of the play:
-Cash,|-Yes.
That's a funny name|for a play, Cash.
Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh,
l'll see you Thursday.
-Bye.|-Bye. Bye.
Yes, yes, yes.
You dirty old buzzard.
May l come out of the bathroom now,|Mr. Bialystock?
-Yeah, sure.|-l'm terribly sorry l caught you...
-...feeling up the old lady.|-'' Feeling up the old lady.''
Thank you, Mr. Tact.
-May l take your coat?|-Oh, thank you.
So you're an accountant, huh?
-Yes, sir. l am, sir.|-Then account for yourself!
Why are you looking up little|old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?
l know what you're thinking.
How dare you condemn me|without knowing all the facts.
-Mr. Bialystock, l wasn't condemn--|-Shut up!
l'm having a rhetorical conversation.
-Do you know who l used to be?|-Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...
-...the king of Broadway.|-No, l'm Max Bialy-- That's right.
-That's right.|-And might l say, Mr. Bialystock--
And please don't take this|the wrong way...
-...but you're not just a dirty old man.|-Thank you.
Oh, you're also|a great Broadway producer.
And there's something about me|you should know.
When l was a kid...
...l had the good fortune|to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '4 2.
-Oh, Bialy-Hoos.|-Yes.
And l still have the ticket stub.
-Oh, look at that.|-Yeah.
And ever since,|l've had a secret desire...
...to be a Broadway producer.
A secret desire, huh?
-Kid, can l give you some advice?|-Yes, sir.
Keep it a secret.|Do the books, please.
Top drawer, to the left.
Oh, my God.
Will you look at that.
That's it, baby!|When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
Mr. Bialystock,|may l speak to you a minute?
-A minute?|-Yes.
-Just one minute?|-Yes.
-Okay.|-ln glancing at your books...
-Go! You have 58 seconds left.|-...l noticed that in the column--
-You're gonna time it?|-Time is money.
l looked at your books and the|columns marked ''monies received.''
-And l can't make the figures work out.|-Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.
-There's a problem with your figures.|-Twenty-eight. Running out of time.
-Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.|-l cannot--
-Fifteen seconds.|-l cannot-- l can't function.
-l cannot function in these conditions.|-Five, four, three, two, one.
You're making me|extremely nervous.
What is that, a handkerchief?
What? This? No, it's nothing.|lt's nothing.
Well, if it's nothing,|then why can't l see it?
My blanket. My blue blanket!
Give me back my blue blanket!
Give me my blanket! Give it to me.|Give it to me. Give me the blanket.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Here, here, here.
Don't panic. Don't panic.|Don't panic.
l....
l'm sorry.
lt's just that l don't like anyone|touching my blue blanket.
lt's not important,|it's a minor compulsion.
l can deal with it if l want to.
But l've had it ever since l was a baby,|and l find it very comforting.
l need to lie down for a minute now.
They come here. They all come here.
How do they find me?
Hey, kid. Hey.
Look at this.
How can l help you?
-What's wrong?|-You're gonna jump on me.
-What?|-You're gonna jump on me.
l know you're gonna jump on me|and squash me like a bug.
-Oh, God.|-Please, don't jump on me!
l'm not gonna jump on you!|l'm not gonna jump on you!
Get ahold of yourself!|Stop it! Stop it!
Stop! Calm down!
Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
-What's the matter now?|-l'm hysterical. l'm having hysterics.
l can't stop when l get like this.|l can't stop. l'm hysterical.
l can see that.|All right. All right, calm down.
l'm coming, l'm coming.|Take it easy.
l'm wet!
l'm wet.|l'm hysterical and l'm wet!
l'm in pain.
l'm in pain, l'm wet...
...and l'm still hysterical.
All right, all right. What can l do?|You're getting me hysterical.
Move away, you frighten me.
-You're too close.|-l frighten you?
Yes, get over there and stop|touching-- Move over there! Sit down.
l'm sitting, l'm sitting.
You still look angry.
l'm sorry. How's this?
Who's my little accountant?
Are you my little accountant?|Are you my little accountant?
-Are you my little accountant?|-l am.
Yes, you are.
Well, thank you for smiling.|That helped a great deal.
Well, you know what they say:
''Smile and the world smiles|with you.''
This man should be|in a straightjacket.
-You feeling better?|-Oh, yes, l'm fine now. Thank you.
-Good.|-May l speak to you?
Yes, Prince Myshkin.|What can we do for you?
Well, this is hardly|the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.
l've discovered a serious error...
...in the accounts of your last show,|Funny Boy.
-Where? What?|-Well, according to the backers list...
...you raised $1 00,000.|But your show only cost 98,000.
There's 2000 unaccounted for.
l went to a Turkish bath.|Who cares?
The show was a flop.|Bloom, do me a favour...
...move a few decimal points around.|You can do it, you're an accountant.
You're part of a noble profession.|The word ''count'' is part of your title.
-That's cheating.|-lt's not cheating.
lt's charity.
Bloom...
...you see this stickpin?
This once held a pearl|as big as your eye.
l used to wear handmade|ltalian shoes, $500 suits.
And look at me now.
Look at me now!|l'm wearing a cardboard belt.
Bloom, you gotta save me.
l'm reaching out to you.
Don't send me to prison.
Help me.
All right. All right.|Okay, l'll do it.
-Really?|-Yes, l'll do it.
See, $2000 isn't so much.
l'm sure l can hide it someplace.
After all, the lRS isn't interested|in a show that flopped.
Right. Good thinking.
You figure it out.|l'm gonna take a little nap.
Now, let's see.
Let's see, if we add up|these deductions, we get....
Carry the three, divide by four....
Amazing.
lt's absolutely amazing, but...
...under the right circumstances...
...a producer could|make more money with a flop...
...than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible. lf he were|certain that a show would fail...
...a man could make a fortune.
-Yes?|-Yes, what?
-What you were saying. Keep talking.|-What was l saying?
You were saying that a producer...
...could make more money|with a flop than a hit.
Well, yes. lt's quite possible.
You keep saying that,|but you don't say how.
Well, it's simply a matter|of creative accounting.
Let's assume for a moment|that you are a dishonest man.
Assume away.
All right. When you produced|your last show, Funny Boy...
...you raised $2000|more than you needed.
But you could've raised a million...
...put on your $1 00,000 flop|and kept the rest.
-But what if my show was a hit?|-Then you would go to jail.
See, rather than 1 00 percent|of the show...
...you would've sold|more than 1 000 percent.
So if the show's a success,|there's no way to pay off the backers.
-Get it?|-Got it.
So in order for our scheme to work,|we'd have to find a sure-fire flop.
''Our scheme''? What scheme?
What scheme?
Your scheme,|you bloody little genius.
l meant no scheme. l merely posed|a little academic accounting theory.
-lt was just a thought.|-Bloom...
...worlds are turned|on such thoughts.
Don't you see, Bloom?|Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.
lt's so simple.
Step one,|we find the worst play ever written.
Step two,|we hire the worst director in town.
-Step three, l raise 2 million dollars.|-Two?
Yes, one for me, one for you. There's|a lot of little old ladies out there.
Step four, we hire the worst actors|in New York and open on Broadway.
And before you can say ''step five,''|we close on Broadway...
...take our 2 million and go to Rio.
Rio? That'd never work.
Oh, ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark|When everything look ed bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled|Toward Everest's peak?
What did Washington say|To his troops
As they crossed the Delaware?
I'm sure you're well aware
What'd they say?
We can do it
We can do it|Me and you
We can do it
We can mak e our dreams come true
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had
Beautiful girls|Wearing nothing but pearls
Caressing you, undressing you|And driving you mad
No.
Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.
Hear me out. Just think about it.
Stop!
We can do it|We can do it
This is not the time to shirk
We can do it|You won't rue it
Say goodbye to petty clerk
Hi, producer|Yes, producer
I mean you, sir|Go berserk
We can do it|We can do it
And I know it's gonna work
What do you say, Bloom?
What do I say?
Finally, a chance to be|A Broadway producer
What do I say?
Finally, a chance to mak e|My dreams come true, sir
What do I say?|What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir
I can't do it|I can't do it
I can't do it|That's not me
I'm a loser|I'm a coward
I'm a chick en|Don't you see?
When it comes to wooing women
There's a few things that I lack
Beautiful girls|Wearing nothing but pearls
Chasing me, embracing me|I'd have an attack
Why, you miserable, cowardly,|wretched little caterpillar.
Don't you ever wanna become|a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings|and flap your way to glory?
No!
-Where to?|-Central Park.
Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.
-We can do it|-Mr, Bialystock, please stop the song
You've got me wrong|I'll say ''so long''
I'm not as strong a person|As you think
Mr, Bialystock, just tak e a look|I'm not a crook
-Drink champagne, not ginger ale|-I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink
-Come on, Leo, can't you see-o?|-I can't do it
You see Rio, I see jail
Driver, stop.
Here.
-We can do it|-I can't do it
-We can do it|-I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it
'Cause I know it's gonna fail
Fail? How could it miss?|All you need is a little courage.
Bloom, you know what you are?|You're like a--
You're like a....
You're like a fountain waiting|to explode and shoot into the sky!
-l'm a fountain?|-Yes, you're a fountain!
Don't you realize? There's a lot more|to you than there is to you.
Mr. Bialystock, l'm afraid you've made|a terrible error in judgment.
You've mistaken me|for someone with a spine.
l'm going back|to Whitehall & Marks now.
-Goodbye forever.|-Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.
Think about it. You'll never get a cab|at this hour! Bloom.
Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...
...l want that money!
Unhappy|Unhappy
Very unhappy
Unhappy|Unhappy
Very, very, very, very, very|Very, very unhappy
Bloom!
Where the hell have you been?
You are six minutes late.|This is an accounting firm...
...not a country club.|You can't come and go as you please.
-Yes, Mr. Marks.|-Remember, you're a nobody.
A PA. A public accountant.
And l am a CPA.|A certified public accountant.
A rank a miserable little worm like|yourself could never hope to achieve.
Yes, Mr. Marks.|Thank you for speaking to me.
You're welcome.
What are you gawking at?
You never saw a person|humiliated before?
Now, get back to work. All of you!
Unhappy|Unhappy
Very, very, very, very|Very, very, very unhappy
I spend my life accounting
-With figures and such|-Unhappy
To what is my life amounting?
-It figures, not much|-Unhappy
I have a secret desire|Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a producer
With a hit show on Broadway
I wanna be a producer|Lunch at Sardi's every day
I want to be a producer
Sport a top hat and a cane
I wanna be a producer|And drive those chorus girls insane
I wanna be a producer
And sleep until half past 2
I wanna be a producer|And say, ''You, you, you--''
Not you.
I wanna be a producer
Wear a tux on opening night
I wanna be a producer
And see my name, Leo Bloom|In lights
He wants to be a producer
Of a great big Broadway smash
He wants to be a producer
Every pock et stuffed with cash
He wants to be a producer
Pinch our cheeks till we cry
Yes.
He wants to be a producer|With a great big casting couch
-I wanna be|-He wants to be
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous producer|In the world
He's gotta dine|With a duchess and a duk e
I just got to be a producer
Drink champagne until I puk e
-Drink champagne till he puk es|-I wanna be a producer
Show the world just what I got
I'm gonna put on shows|That will enthral them
Read my name in Winchell's column
I wanna be a producer
-'Cause it's everything I'm not|-Unhappy
Unhappy
-I wanna be a producer|-Very, very unhappy
-Unhappy|-I wanna be a produce--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.|Hold everything.
Hold everything!
What am l doing here?|Mr. Bialystock was right.
There is a lot more to me|than there is to me.
Stop the world, l wanna get on!
What the hell is going on in here?
Do l smell the revolting stench|of self-esteem?
Bloom,|where do you think you're going?
You've already had|your toilet break.
l'm not going into the toilet.|l'm going into show business.
And, Mr. Marks,|l have news for you. l quit!
And you were right about one thing,|you are a CPA.
-A certified public asshole!|-Hooray!
Here's my visor...
...my Dixon Ticonderoga|number 2 pencil...
...and my big finish!
I'm gonna be a producer
He's gonna be a producer
-Look out, Broadway|-Look out, Broadway
'Cause here I come
Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.
l'm back! l'm back.|l've changed my mind.
Boy, you are good.
-Who are you talking to?|-Never mind, just an old friend.
-What happened?|-Oh, just this--
Just this: When l said that l was|scared that l was gonna go to jail...
...l didn't realize|that l already was in jail.
l've spent my life counting|other people's money.
People l'm smarter than...
...better than.
When's Leopold Bloom|gonna get his share?
When's it gonna be Bloom's day?|l want-- l want--
l want everything|l've ever seen in the movies.
And, Leo, you're gonna have it.|Because....
-We can do it, we can do it|-I'm gonna be a producer
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
-With your brilliance, my resilience|-I'm gonna be a producer
-Up together we will zoom|-Up together we will zoom
-We can do it, we can do it|-We can do it, we can do it
Every show I touch I doom
-We were fated|-We were fated
-To be mated|-To be mated
-We're Bialystock and Bloom|-We're Bialystock and Bloom
Oh, Max....
Oh, Max, let's give up.|l can't read anymore.
-How many plays can a person read?|-Stop complaining.
We have to find the worst play|ever written.
-l've been reading all night.|-Who cares?
You wanna be a producer, read,|read. Keep reading.
Here's one.
Act l, scene one.
''Gregor Samsa awoke one morning|to discover...
...that he had been transformed|into a giant cockroach.''
No, too good.
'' But how could you see me?|The glass was frosted.''
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.|l've read this before.
l think l've read this one before.|What's it called? What's it called?
The Frosted Glass,
Max, l'm reading plays|that l read last night, Max.
l can't go on anymore.|lt's too much.
Let's face it, we'll never find it.
We'll never find it.|We'll never find it.
Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.
Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.
lt's the mother lode.
-What is it? You found a flop?|-A flop.
That's putting it mildly.
This is a catastrophe.
A disaster certain to offend peoples|of all races, creeds and religions.
A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night|beauty.
-Well, let's see it.|-Here.
''Springtime for Hitler,,,
...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf|at Berchtesgaden.''
Oh, my God.
''Oh, my God'' is right.
lt's practically a love letter to Hitler.
-Max, this won't run a week.|-A week? Are you kidding?
This play has got to close|on page four.
What's the author's name again?
'' Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street,|New York, New York.''
Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.
Let's go. We'll get the Broadway|rights to Springtime for Hitler...
...even if we have to go so far|as to pay him.
-Come on.|-This other hat, Max...
...may l wear it?
-No, you may not.|-Why?
Because that|is a Broadway producer's hat.
You don't get to wear|a Broadway producer's hat, son...
...until you're a Broadway producer.
And you're not|a Broadway producer until--
l know, l know. Until l've produced|a show on Broadway.
But l'm going to wear that hat,|and soon too, because....
We're gonna be the producers
Of a great big Broadway flop
Ja, ja, my Lieblings.
Let me grab you here.
We have work to do.
Hilda, my darling. Here, l have|written an important message...
...which must reach|Ernst Schlongdorf.
29 West Santiago Boulevard...
...Buenos Aires, Argentina.
AQAP.
As quick as possible.
Good.
Fly, Hilda. Fly!
Hilda, where are you going?
Argentina's that way!
Okay, chow time.
Yummy, yummy, yummy.|Goes right into your belly.
lt's just a hunch,|but l'm betting this is our man.
Max, he's wearing a German helmet|and lederhosen.
Yeah, l know. Don't notice them.|Don't notice anything.
Always look straight ahead.|Remember, we need that play.
Franz Liebkind?
l was never a member|of the Nazi Party!
l only followed orders.
l had nothing to do with the war.
l didn't even know|there was a war on.
We lived in the back...
...right across from Switzerland.
All we ever heard was yodelling.
-Who are you?!|-Relax.
Mr. Liebkind,|we're not from the government.
We're producers,|Bialystock and Bloom...
-...here to talk to you about your play.|-My play?
You mean Springtime for...
-...you-know-who?|-That's the one.
-What about it?|-We love it. Don't we love it?
-We think it's a masterpiece.|-We want to put it on Broadway.
Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.
Dream of dreams. l can't believe it.
-l must tell my birds.|-Tell your birds.
Otto, Bertha, Heinz,|Heidi, Wolfgang...
...Adolf.
Do you hear?
We are finally going to clear|the Fuhrer's name.
Broadway!
You know,|not many people know this...
-...but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.|-Really?
-We didn't know that, did we, Leo?|-No, no, we sure didn't.
That's because you were taken in|by the BBC!
Filthy British lies!
But did they ever say a bad word|about Winston Churchill?
Churchill!
With his cigars, with his brandy|and his rotten paintings.
Rotten!
Hitler.
There was a painter.
He could paint an entire apartment|in one afternoon.
Two coats.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, of course he could,|Mr. Liebkind.
And that is exactly why|we wanna produce your play.
Show the world the true Hitler.|The Hitler you loved...
...the Hitler you knew,|the Hitler with a song in his heart.
Here, Franz Liebkind.|Sign here...
...and make your dream a reality.
-No.|-That's what ''nein'' means.
First you must prove to me|that you believe as l believe...
...by joining with me and singing and|dancing the Fuhrer's favourite tune:
'' Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.''
l know.
-'' Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop''?|-'' Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop.''
No. l could never sing|the Fuhrer's favourite...
Delighted. Delighted.
-...song.|-Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.
All right. First you will roll up|your pants.
-Rolling?|-Rolling.
-Don't be stingy. Show some leg.|-Alrighty.
-Good.|-Good.
-Key of E?|-ls there any other?
Guten Tag hop hop|Guten Tag clop clop
Ach, du lieber|Und oh, boy
Guten Tag clap clap|Guten Tag slap slap
Ach, du lieber|What a joy
Oh, wir essen und fressen|Und tanzen und trink en
Tanzen und trink en|Until we get stinkin'
-Everybody!|-Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Guten Tag|Mein lieber Schatz
So we hop our hops|Und we clop our clops
Und we drink our Schnaps|Till we platz
You will sway?
We will sway.
Follow me.
Very good.
Whatever you say.
This is a tricky one
Oh, the Hop-Clop.|lt's been so long!
Sort of a Nazi hoedown.
Gentlemen, you may|produce my play.
Excellent. Excellent.
Here we are. Here.
But only if you take|the Siegfried Oath.
The Siegfried Oath?|What's that?
A pledge of eternal allegiance|to our beloved Fuhrer.
Never...
...took that oath before.
One for me, one for you,|und one for you.
Never-- Had one of those on before.|Thanks very much.
-You're welcome.|-Nice colours.
Oh, look, reversible.
-Oh, yeah, you're right.|-Max.
Max, we never|should have started this.
l think we're getting in too deep.
Too deep? This is nothing.
l'll tell you when|we're getting in too deep.
All right.
First, you will raise|your right forefinger...
...und repeat after me.
l solemnly swear...
-l solemnly swear...|-l solemnly swear...
...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
-...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.|-...to obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.
-Und,,,|-Und,,,
Und,,,
...never, never, never...
-...never, never, never...|-...never, never, never...
...dishonour the spirit und the memory|of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
-...dishonour the spirit und the--|-...dishonour the spirit und the--
-Elizabeth?|-Elizabeth?
Ja, that was his middle name.
Not many people know this...
...but the Fuhrer was descended|from a long line of English queens.
ls that right?
Yes.
-Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.|-Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
-Good. Now l sign your contract.|-Excellent! Excellent.
Here we are, sir.|Right here on the dotted line.
There you are.|You shall never regret this.
So thank you, Herr Liebkind.|Alrighty, then.
Thank you.
Let it go. Let it go.
Halt!
l forgot to tell you.
The penalty for breaking|the Siegfried Oath...
...is dess.
'' Dess''?
ls that anything like ''death''?
Yeth.
Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...
...we'll iron out all these|thorny details over strudel.
Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go....
We're trapped! Trapped!
Got it.
Let's have lunch.
What nice guys.
Broadway.
l haven't been so happy|since we crushed Poland.
Hello, the living room of|renowned theatrical director...
...Roger DeBris' elegant|Upper East Side townhouse...
...on a sunny Tuesday|afternoon in June.
Who may l say is calling?
Listen, you broken-down|old queen...
...he was drunk, he was hot,|you got lucky.
-Don't ever call here again.|-Who was that?
Wrong number.
Yes?
Well, hi there.
l'm Max Bialystock and this|is my associate, Mr. Bloom.
We have an appointment|with renowned theatrical director...
-...Roger DeBris.|-Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.
-Please. Yes.|-Thank you.
l am Carmen Ghia...
...Mr. DeBris'|common-law assistant.
You are expected.
May l take your hat, your coat|and your swastikas?
Oh, these. We-- We--
We just came from this big rally.|Everybody was wearing them.
-You didn't tell me we had those on?|-l didn't notice them.
-You told me to look straight ahead.|-Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?
Oh, Roger.
We're not alone.
Here's Roger.
-Max, he's wearing a dress.|-No kidding.
Roger, good to see you again.
Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom,|l presume?
Forgive the pun.
-What pun?|-Shut up. He thinks he's witty.
Roger, may l say you look gorgeous.|Absolutely gorgeous.
By the way, Max, darling,|we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?
Worshipped it.
To be or not to be|You mean a lot to me
-Showstopper!|-Fabulous.
Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom|is staring at my gown.
-Well, l was--|-l should explain.
l'm going to the Choreographers' Ball.|There is a prize for best costume.
-We always win.|-l'm not so sure about this year.
l'm supposed to be|the Grand Duchess Anastasia...
...but l think l look more like|the Chrysler Building.
Well, as far as l'm concerned, without|your wig on, you're only half dressed.
Well, then,|why don't you go and get it...
...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.
lf your intention...
...was to shoot an arrow|through my heart...
...bull's-eye!
Oh, Roger, let's face it,|that building is you.
Listen, l know we sent it to you|only this morning...
...but did you read|Springtime for Hitler?
Read it? l devoured it.
And l find it remarkable.|Remarkable!
l feel it is a very important piece,|drenched with historical goodies.
l, for one, for instance,|never realized that the Third Reich...
...meant Germany.
Yeah, how about that.|Then you'll do it?
Do it? Of course not. lt's not my|kind of thing. l mean, Max, please.
World War ll?|Too dark, too depressing.
The theatre's so obsessed|With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty|Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more
What's the word?
-Gay?|-Exactly.
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, k eep it bright|Keep it gay
Whether it's murder|Mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain|Keep it gay
People want laughter|When they see a show
The last thing they're after is|A litany of woe
A happy ending|Will pep up your play
Oedipus won't bomb
If he winds up with Mom
-Keep it gay|-Keep it gay
Couldn't agree more.
And you have our blessings,|Roger...
...to make Springtime for Hitler just|as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So come on, do it for us. Please.
l'm sorry, Max.|lt's simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair.
l should ask my production team|what they think.
Your production team,|who are they?
You'll see. They all live here.
Guys! Come say hello|to Bialystock and Bloom!
This is my set designer, Brian.
Hello.
Keep it mad, k eep it glad|Keep it gay
-Here's my costume designer, Kevin.|-Hello.
Keep it happy, k eep it snappy|Keep it gay
We're clever, creative|It's our job to see
That everything's perfect|For Mr, DeBris
Scott, my choreographer.
Hi there.
And, finally, last and least...
...my lighting designer,|Shirley Markowitz.
Keep it gay|Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Now, they all just read Springtime.|What did you think of it, fellas?
-It needs glamour|-And glitz
-It needs sequins|-And tits
Leo. Leo, l think we're losing them.
Go say something nice to Roger.|l think he likes you.
-But, Max....|-Go on. lt's just show biz.
Mr. DeBris. Roger.
Roger, actually,|l think your gown is very stunning.
Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.
Leo.
What is that enchanting|cologne you're wearing?
Me? l'm not wearing any cologne.
You mean that smell is you?
Oh, God.
lf l could bottle you, l'd shove you|under my armpits every day.
Oh, Max.|Max, we never should've started this.
-l think we're getting in too deep.|-Too deep? This is nothing.
l'll tell you when|we're getting in too deep.
And so the rule is
When mounting a play
Keep it funny|Keep it sunny
Keep it gay
-What should we do?|-Relax. Watch this.
Roger, l--
l think that Springtime for Hitler would|be a marvellous opportunity for you.
l mean, up to now,|you've always been associated with--
Dare l say it? --frivolous musicals.
You're right.|l've often felt as though...
...l've been throwing my life away|on silly entertainments.
Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.
Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn,|kick, turn.
-Roger.|-lt's enough to make you heave.
Nonetheless, l'm sorry, Max, l just|couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.
-Why not? Think of the respect.|-No.
-Think of the prestige.|-No, no, no.
Think of the Tony!
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony
-What's the matter?|-ls he all right?
-He's having a stroke.|-What?
-Of genius!|-l see it at last.
The chance|to do something important.
Roger DeBris presents|History
Of course that second act|has to be rewritten.
They're losing the war? Excuse me,|that's too downbeat.
Roger DeBris presents|History
But maybe....
lt's a wild idea,|but it just might work.
I
See
A line
Of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers|Each one a gem
With leather boots|And whips on their hips
-It's risque, dare I say, S 7 M|-Love it!
I see German soldiers|Dancing through France
Played by chorus boys|In very tight pants
And wait, there's more
They'll win the war
And the dances they do|Will be daring and new
Turn, turn, kick, turn.|One, two, three, kick, turn.
Keep it sassy, k eep it classy|Keep it--
That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!
l speak for Mr. Bloom|and myself, Roger...
...when l say you are the only man|in the world...
...who could do justice to|Springtime for Hitler.
-Will you do it, please?|-Please.
Wait a minute.|This is a very big decision.
lt might affect the course of my life.
l shall have to think about it.|l'll do it.
I'll do it
Sabu, champagne!
If at the end|You want them to cheer
Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello|Or Lear
Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it gay
Comedy's joyous|A constant delight
Dramas annoy us|And ruin our night
So k eep your Strindbergs|And Ibsens at bay
-I'll sign|-Sign
-Sign|-Sign
Sign!
Roger Elizabeth DeBris.
Keep it gay
-Conga!|-Everybody!
And so the rule is
When mounting a play|Keep it gay
Keep it gay
Stop it.
Keep it gay
Exclusive Broadway rights|to the worst show ever written...
...and a signed contract|with the worst director who ever lived.
We're in business.
And what a business.
ln the same day,|l'm taking the Siegfried Oath...
...and dancing the conga|with a cop, a sailor...
...and an extremely friendly|Cherokee lndian.
Yeah. Oh, well.
lt's not easy|being a Broadway producer.
But together we'll make it.|Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...
...and nothing or no one|will ever come between us.
Nothing or no one, Max.
-Come in.|-Come in.
Bialystock and Bloom?
-What?|-Oh, excuse me.
Swedish.
Casting today?
-Cahstink? Cahstink?|-Cahstink?
-Casting!|-Casting.
No, no, no, miss.|We're not casting yet.
We don't even know when|we're beginning rehearsals--
Yes, we just started|casting today. Yes.
-We're casting?|-Yes. Yes, we're casting.
lf you don't mind,|just once in my life...
...l'd like to see somebody|on that couch who's under 85.
What's your name, my dear?
My name is Ulla lnga...
...Hansen Benson Yonsen|Tallen-Hallen Svaden Svanson.
Wait. Wait.|What's your first name?
That was my first name.
You wanna hear my last name?
We don't have the time.|We'll just call you Ulla.
Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?
-Ulla sing and dance.|-Oh, yeah?
-You want Ulla make audition?|-Oh, no, miss.
-That won't be nece--|-Yes, it is '' nece.''
Extremely nece.
Please. Please make audition.|Make audition all over the office.
-What are you going to sing?|-Well...
...yesterday when l was stepping out|of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...
...a crazy man|yelled something out the window...
...that inspired me to write this song.
When you got it
Flaunt it
Step right up and strut your stuff
People tell you modesty's a virtue
But in the theatre|Modesty can hurt you
When you got it
Flaunt it
Show your assets|Let 'em know you're proud
Your goodies you must push
Stick your chest out|Shak e your tush
When you got it|Shout it out loud
Now Ulla dance.
When you got it
Show it
Put your hidden treasures|On display
Violinists love to play an E string
But audiences really love a G-string
When you got it
Shout it
Let the whole world hear|What you're about
Clothes may mak e the man|All a girl needs is a tan
When you got it|Let it hang out
-Remember when Ulla dance?|-Yeah.
Ulla dance again.
Ulla dance again!
When I was just a little girl|In Sweden
My thoughtful mother|Gave me this advice
If nature blesses you|From top to bottom
Show that top to bottom|Don't think twice
Now Ulla belt.
Don't think twice!
When you got it
Share it
Let the public feast|Upon your charms
People say that being prim|Is proper
But every showgirl knows|That prim will stop her
When you got it
Give it
Don't be selfish|Give it all away
Don't be shy|Be bold and cute
Show the boys your birthday suit
When you got it
If you got it
Once you got it
Shout out
Hooray!
Okey-dokey.
You like it?
Like-- Like it?
l want you to know, my dear,|that even though we're sitting down...
...we're giving you|a standing ovation.
She's in the show.
Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know|if there's a part for her in the show.
Would you excuse us, my dear?
Nonsense, Bloom.
Bloom,|do l have to teach you everything?
There is always a part|for the producer's girlfriend.
But we don't even know|when we're starting rehearsal yet.
So what? So what?|We're producers, aren't we?
So until she goes into the show,|she can work for us here.
Because we need--|Nay, deserve to have ourselves a--
Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous|Swedish secretaryIreceptionist.
But, Max, a secretary who doesn't|speak English? What will people say?
They'll say:
Offer her the job, please?
Just a moment, miss.
We might have a position for you.
As a matter of fact, we might|have several positions for you.
Until the show gets going...
...we can offer you a job here|as a secretaryIreceptionist.
SecretaryIreceptionist?
OkeyIdokey!
l can do that.
Answer telephone.
Bialystock and Bloom.
Smart as a whip.
You're hired!
Well-- Well, all right. lf he says so,|l don't have a--
SecretaryIreceptionist.
And maybe you can tidy up|around here a little bit too.
Tidy up? Tidy up.
Such a funny word.|What means ''tidy up''?
-You know, clean.|-Make look nice.
-Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up.|-Very good.
What time can you be here|in the morning?
Well, Ulla wake up every morning,|5 a.m.
From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.
From to 7 to 8,|Ulla like to take long shower.
From to 8 to 9, Ulla like|to have big Swedish breakfast.
Many different herrings.
From to 9 to 1 1 , Ulla like to practice|her singing and her dancing.
And at 1 1 , Ulla like to have sex.
What time should l get here?
-Eleven.|-Eleven.
Good. Ulla will come at 1 1 .
Ulla will come at 1 1 .
God bless America!
God bless Sweden.
Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.
The most beautiful girl|l've ever seen.
l've never felt this way before.
lt's like a volcano erupting|inside of me...
...like hot lava rising higher|and higher and--
What is that, Max?
What is it?
lt's called an erection.|lt's either that or malaria.
But don't worry,|they have shots for everything now.
Come here,|l want to show you something.
-What do you see?|-Nothing.
Exactly. But now that we've got|our sure-fire flop...
...it's gonna be our job|to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.
Two million?|Gee, how much do we put in?
How much--?|How much do we put in?
Bloom...
...the two cardinal rules|of being a Broadway producer...
...are one, never put|your own money in the show.
And two?
Never put your own money|in the show!
-Get it?|-Got it.
-Good.|-So how do we raise the money?
How? l'll tell you how.
From my investors.
Hundreds of little old ladies...
...all looking to Max Bialystock for one|last thrill on their way to the cemetery.
So in the days to come, Bloom,|you shall see very little of me.
And right now,|l'd like to see very little of you.
Scram while l get myself ready.
For Max Bialystock|is about to launch himself...
...into little-old-lady land.
The time has come
To be a lover from the Argentine
To slick my hair down|With brilliantine
And gargle heavily|With Listerine
It's time for Max
To put his back ers on their backs
And thrill them with amazing acts
Those aging nymphomaniacs
They were helpless|They were hopeless
Then along came Bialy
They were joyless|They were boy-less
Then along came Bialy
They're my angels|I'm their devil
And I k eep those embers aglow
When I woos 'em|I can't lose 'em
'Cause I cast my spell|And they start yellin'
''Fire down below!''
So romantic|They were frantic
Then their prayers were heard|Up above
Heaven sent them
Their Bialy
I'm the celebration of love
Who is it? Who is it?
lt's Max Bialystock.
Maxy.
Fire down below!
We were listing|We were sinking
Then along came Bialy
We were desperate|We were drinking
-Then along came Bialy|-Who's your daddy?
So romantic|We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard|Up above
It's Bialy
Hey, Bialy
He's the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
Ejaculation
He's the celebration of love
Thank you.
Bloom! Bloom!
What, Max? What?
l've done it. l've done it,|l've raised the 2 million.
Now all we have to do is put on|the biggest flop in history.
That's great!
We can't miss
l gotta make the next payment|on the theatre by 3:00 or else--
Sorry, wrong office.
Bialystock. Bloom.
Max. Leo.
-Ulla?|-Ulla?
What happened to the office?
Like you tell Ulla, ''tidy up.''
Tidy ''oop''?
How did you find the time|to do all this?
-l skip lunch.|-Of course you did.
-Very nice.|-She skipped lunch.
Almost 3.|That payment to the Shuberts.
l'll get the cash from the safe.
You make sure|all those contracts are signed.
Yes, Max.
She painted over the numbers.
Hello, boys.
Nobody knows|what l went through to get you.
Ulla knows.
You had to shtupp|every little old lady in New York.
That's right. That's right.
And l've still got|the denture bites to prove it.
Work, work, work. Work, work, work.
So, Mr. Bloom.
We are all alone.
Yes, we are, aren't we?
Why Bloom go so far camera right?
Bloom no like Ulla?
Ulla like Bloom.
Bloom like Ulla, all right.
-Maybe a little too much.|-Good.
l'm glad.
Why Bloom need blue blanket?
Oh, it's not important.
lt's just a minor compulsion.|lt's that l've--
l've had it ever since|l was a baby, and l....
You're a little too close.
The urge to merge|Can rob us of our senses
The need to breed|Can mak e a man a drone
We must be on alert|With our defences
For every skirt will test
Testosterone
So knowing this|I severed all connection
With any creature|Sporting silk or lace
I was firmly headed|In the right direction
When suddenly I stumbled on
That face
That face|That face
That dangerous face
I mustn't be unwise
Those lips|That nose
Those eyes
Could lead to my demise
That face|That face
That marvellous face
I never should begin
Those cheeks|That neck
That chin
Will surely do me in
I must be smart|And hide my heart
If she's within a mile
If I don't duck|I'm out of luck
She'd kill me with her smile
That face|That face
That fabulous face
It's clear I must beware
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it
For that face
Bloom help Ulla down?
All right. Bloom help Ulla down.
That face
That lovable face
It melts my Swedish heart
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it
For that face
Again! Arabesque, prepare...
...pirouette and twirl.
And goose step, goose step...
...waltz-clog and kick. Again!
Arabesque, prepare,|pirouette and twirl.
And goose step, goose step,|waltz-clog and kick! Again!
Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!
-Halt!|-Halt.
-Halt!|-Halt!
-This is bedlam! Bedlam!|-This is bedlam! Bedlam!
Shut up!
We must have some order here.
Will all the dancing Hitlers|please wait off-stage right...
...and all the singing Hitlers|off-stage left.
Get that way.
Carmen,|call in a singing Hitler, please.
Yes, darling-- Roger.
''Jacques LaPidus.''
''Jack Lapidus.''
Well, Jack, what are you|going to sing for us?
l would like to sing|''A Wandering Minstrel l.''
lf you must.
A wandering minstrel I
A thing of shreds and
-Thank you!|-Patches
Next, please.
'' Donald Dinsmore.''
Well, Donald, if we--
Well, Donald, l--
-Hi, how are you?|-That's all right, Donald.
Hello. Yes.
Now, what are you|going to sing for us, friend?
l'd like to sing|''The Little Wooden Boy.''
Thank you.
Next!
''Jason Green.''
Well, Jason,|what have you been up to lately?
Untuk 16 tahun terakhir, aku telah
-Kamu mainkan Nietzsche?
Apa yang akan kamu nyanyikan untuk kita?
'' Apakah Kamu Pernah Dengar
-Tidak
...yang akan ku nyanyikan
Silakan main
Yang cepat
Haben Sie gehort|Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Oh, haben Sie gehort--
Halt! Halt!
Halt! No, no, no.
Lelaki ini tak bisa mainkan|Adolf Hitler.
Fuhrer bukan
Fuhrer itu menjagal!
Dan itu bukan bagaimana kamu menyanyi...
...'' Haben Sie gehort|das deutsche Band?''
Ini adalah bagaimana kamu nyanyi '' Haben Sie|gehort das deutsche Band?''
B-flat. Dua-dua kali!
Atur kamnya !
Haben Sie gehort|Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang|Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Oh, haben Sie gehort|Das deutsche Band?
Mit a bang|Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Lagu rakyat orang Rusia|Und French ooh-la-la
Tak bisa dibandingkan
Kita sedang mengatakan
Haben Sie gehort|Das deutsche Band?
Mit a zetz|Mit a zap
Mit a zing
Tari tarian orang Polandia
Aku tak bermaksud suatupun
Schweigen-reigen-schone-|Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten
Ganti nadanya!
Kita sedang mengatakan
Haben Sie gehort|Das deutsche Band?
Mit a zetz|Mit a zap
Mit a zing
Ini hanya satu jenis musik
Yang kita Hans und sayang sayang kita
Itulah Hitler kita!
Siapkan tiket tiket kalian.
Silakan, jalan ini
Ambil tempat dudukmu
Selamat malam, pak. Senang berjumpa denganmu
-Nikmati pertunjukannya
-Oh, Tn. Bloom.|-Oh, Tn. Bloom.
-Kamu kelihatan begitu tampan
Leo!
Leo, yang mengatakan
Tak siapapun, Max. Tapi aku pikir bila kini
-Apakah tirainya sudah dinaikkan?
-Apakah tirainya sudah diturunkan?
Lalu kamu belum menjadi seorang produser.
Tn. Bloom! Leo.
Dasi kamu miring sekali
Miring. Oh, terima kasih, Ulla
Semoga pertunjukannya bagus
Siapkan mereka di jalanan antara tempat duduk
Ok
Aku akan mencobanya
Tapi mereka sangat banyak
Aku pikir kita ini partner,
Sekarang aku lagi kedinginan di luar, dan kalian
Miring miringan? Tak pernah, Max
Pelukan dan ciuman, ya,
Gunter, kamu akan jemput aku dibelakang sini
Oh, Tuhan, akankan mereka mencintai kita?
Rasa ketegangan ini membuatku terasa dibunuh
Aku tahu.
Messrs. Bialystock dan Bloom.|Baiklah, para bapak bapak, merde
Dan aku hanya ingin
-Apa? Apa yang kamu katakan?
Ya, apa masalahnya?
-Dia katakan sekali lagi
Itu sial untuk mengatakan "semoga sukses"
Jika kamu lakukan
Bisa dipastikan segere
Semoga sukses
Sial untuk mengatakan "semoga sukses"
Sekali sudah dikatakan
Kamu akan dapatkan ulasan yang terburuk
Semoga sukses
Walau pada Komedi Perancis
Di malam pembukaan
''Bonne chance, mes amis''(Semoga sukses, Temanku)|Tak ada yang mengatakannya
-Satu satunya kata yg akan kamu dengar adalah
Semoga sukses, Semoga sukses, Semoga sukses
Ini tak diizinkan
Ambil nasehatnya
Atau pertunjukan kamu akan pasti berakhir di
Di La Scala yang terkenal di Milan
Pada malam pembukaan itu adalah satu peraturan
''Al bocca lupo, '' mereka katakan
Dan hanya untuk keberuntungan mereka semua berteriak
-''Vaffanculo''|-Aku sudah ngerti
Kini aku tak akan pernah katakan "Semoga sukses"
Itu adalah peraturan
Apa yang kukatakan, aku tanya?
Apa yang kau katakan adalah "patahkan kaki"
-Patahkan kaki?|-Yeah.
-Patahkan kaki.|-Patahkan kaki
Jika kamu pintar
Semoga sukses
Kamu akan berusaha untuk kita
Untuk tidak pernah, tak pernah, tak pernah,
Pada malam pembukaan
Lima menit saatnya tirai.
Aku terlambat. Aku mesti lari!
-Patahkan kaki!
Franz, apa yang terjadi?
Kakiku patah
Sekarang kita harus batalkan pertunjukan
Uang kembali?
Jangan pernah katakan itu lagi.
Tak pernah.
Tapi Franz mainkan Hitler, Max,
Kamu benar. Apa yang akan kita lakukan?
Jika aku bisa pikirkan sesuatu.
Tunggu. Aku sudah dapat.
Kamu hafal setiap baris dalam pertunjukan
Aku sudah melihatmu waktu latihan, selalu
Itu memang kebiasaan yang memalukan.
Tapi aku mainkan Hitler? Tidak!
Aku tak punya kekuatan.
Aku tak bisa lakukan! Aku tak bisa lakukan! Aku tak bisa lakukan!
-Wow, itu sakit.|-Roger.
Dengarkan aku
Kamu bisa melakukannya
Kamu tahu kamu bisa melakukannya,
Seluruh hidupmu kamu menunggu
Dan aku tak akan biarkan kamu
Kamu keluar sana dengan perasaan geli,
Tapi kamu akan kembali
...langsung menjadi
Baiklah. Kamu benar
Aku akan lakukan! Demi Tuhan, aku akan lakukan!
Aku harus langsung dandan.
Dan, oh! Keberuntunganku,
Dapat!
Leo, musik pengantarnya
Mari jalan
-Max.|-Apa?
Inilah!
-Semoga sukses, Leo.|-Semoga sukses, Max.
Negeri Jerman punya masalah
Memerlukan seorang pemimpin baru
Dimana, oh, dimana dia?
Dimana lelaki itu berada?
Kita mencari disekitar
Dan lalu kita temukan
Lelaki untuk dirimu dan diriku
Dan sekarang adalah
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Deutschland gembira dan riang
Kita sedang bergerak dalam gerakan yang lebih cepat
Lihatlah
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Sekali lagi Rhineland adalah tanah yang baik
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Hati hatilah, Eropah
Kita akan pergi dalam perjalanan
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Lihat, ini musim semi
Musim dingin untuk Polandia dan Perancis
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Musim semi|Musim semi
Musim semi
Marilah, orang orang Jerman
Pergi menari
Aku dilahirkan di Dusseldorf
Jangan jadi bodoh, jadi orang pintar.
Ya, aku tak akan pernah!
Marilah, ayo pergi dari sini
Fuhrer sedang datang
-Heil Hitler|-Heil Hitler
Heil Hitler
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Heil Hitler
Heil diriku sendiri
Heil pada aku
Aku adalah Kraut yang telah keluar
Untuk mengganti sejarah kita
Heil pada diriku sendiri
Tak ada lagi diktator yang lebih hebat
-Segala yang kulakukan, aku lakukan untukmu
Jika kamu sedang mencari suatu peperangan
Heil pada diriku sendiri
Setiap Nazi yang hebat
Horai
Heil pada diriku sendiri
Setiap Nazi yang hebat
Berdiri dan bersorak ria
Dia begitu cakap.
Heil pada diriku sendiri
Aku mencintaimu,
Aku hanyalah seorang penggantung kertas
Tak ada lagi yang lebih tak dikenal
Mendapatkan satu panggilan telpon dari Reichstag
Memberitahuku aku ini seorang Fuhrer
Negeri Jerman lagi bersedih
Oh, apa, oh, apa yang dilakukan?
Gulung keatas celanaku
Dan mengalahkan Perancis
Sekarang Deutschland sedang tersenyum
Oh, ini bukan suatu misteri
Jika ini adalah politik atau sejarah
Hal yang perlu kamu ketahui adalah
Segalanya adalah urusan pertunjukan
Heil pada diriku sendiri
Tontoni pertunjukanku
Aku adalah Ethel Merman Jerman
Kita sedang melewati perbatasan
Perintah Dunia yang Baru ada disini
Membuat senyum besar yang hebat
Setiap orang "Sieg Heil" padaku
Aku yang mengagumkan
Dan kini adalah musim semi
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
-Langkah angsa
Bom berjatuhan dari langit lagi
Deutschland sudah kembali naik lagi
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Sekali lagi Perahu-U sedang berlayar
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
-Itu berarti
-Kita harus terus pergi
Kamu taruhan kita akan pergi
Kamu tahu kita akan pergi
Ke perang
Roger!
''Satu karya besar yang menyindir"
Tak ada jalan keluar
''Satu sukses yang mengejutkan."
Tak ada jalan keluar
'' Memang mengagetkan,
...dan aku mencintai setiap menit darinya."
Tak ada jalan keluar!
Bagaimana ini bisa terjadi?
Kita memilih sandiwara yang salah,
Dimana kita benarnya?
'' Selamat.''
-Apa yang sedang kamu lakukan?
...dan aku sedang mau pergi
Jangan coba untuk hentikan aku.
Tunggu. Kamu pikir
Aku sedang mau menyerahkan diriku masuk.
Aku sedang bermain bola dengan IRS
Aku sedang mau bekerja sama
Mereka akan kurangi hukumanku,
Mungkin aku akan dapatkan kerja
Mari kita tetap berhubungan.
Leo. Leo. Leo.
Leo yang ketakutan. Leo yang gugup, relaks
Tenanglah, baik?
Kamu terlalu capek.
Kamu bersikap seperti ini karena panik
Berikan aku buku buku itu!
-Berikan aku! Berikan aku! Berikan aku!
Aku seorang lelaki yang jujur
Lelaki yang jujur?
-Berikan aku, berikan aku.
Dobel! Dobel! Dobel!
Gemuk ! Gemuk!
Aku tak begitu gemuk
Gemuk!
Gendut!
Berikan aku buku buku gemuk!
-Tak akan, tak akan!
-Oh, Jesus!|-Berikan mereka padaku!
Berikan aku buku bukunya!
-Selamat!
-Berikan padaku! Berikan padaku!
Sekarang, itulah yang kusebut merayakan
Kamu. Kamu buah yang jelek
-Kamu hancurkan aku
Setelah dia langkah masuk dan menyelamatkan
-Jangan ganggu dia!
Kamu telah melanggar Sumpah Siegfried
Kamu harus mati. Kalian semua harus mati!
Apa yang sedang kamu lakukan,
-Pertunjukanmu hebat.
Kamu telah membuat Hitler terlihat bodoh
-Dia tak perlukan bantuan kita
Jangan bergerak! Bagaimana aku bisa tembak
Kembali kesini!
Bawah meja! Bawah meja!
-Sayang, cepat, kembali ke lemari.
Ini tak bagus
Aku tak sedang membunuh siapapun
Kamu mesti bekerja sama
Baiklah, Bialystock und Bloom.
Sekarang aku dapati kamu
Berdoalah!
Ingat aku akan beritahu kamu
-Yeah?|-Kita sudah terlalu dalam
Franz, jangan lakukan! Tolong, aku memohon padamu!
Oh, tidak, tidak
Kamu pengecut!
Sembunyi dibawah sebuah meja?
Berpegangan pada kehidupan bagaikan bayi kupu kupu
Franz Liebkind akan tunjukan padamu
Macet.
Itu saja. Lain kali, tak ada pengarang
Lalu untuk apa kamu menembak
Kamu penggoda Teutonic!
Tunggu. Tunggu sebentar
Aku baru saja dapat ide
Suatu cara untuk menutup pertunjukan
Franz, aku--
-Itu, itu.
Franz, dengarkan padaku
Mengapa kamu tak gunakan ini
-Mengapa kamu tak tembak aktor aktornya?
Ya, aktor aktor
Setiap orang menertawakan
Karena aktor aktornya.
Yeah, kamu benar, aktor aktornya!
Ya. Ini, pergi, beli peluru
-Bunuh. Bunuh semua aktornya.
Tunggu sebentar!
Hal apa yang sedang kamu bicarakan?
Apa maksudmu, "bunuh aktornya"?
Aktor aktor bukanlah binatang.
Iya ya?
-Ini. Dengar--
-Polisi!
Marilah, semuanya
Aku tak pernah menjadi seorang anggota
Kamu, jatuhkan senjata itu
-Petugas!
Kraut gila ini adalah seorang yang peledak!
Dia masuk kesini
-Oh, Roger, cara bicara yang baik
Ok, kalian berdua boleh pergi
-Terima kasih
Mencoba untuk bunuh dia, eh?
Petugas O'Rourke, bawa lelaki ini masuk
Pemberhentian yang berikutnya, Sing Sing
Sing Sing?|Kamu tak akan bunuh aku!
-Apa yang terjadi?
Baiklah, siapa dirimu,
Aku sama sekali tak mengerti,
Namanya adalah O'Bialystock.
Aku baru saja lewat dalam perjalanku
...dan aku masuk lihat sebentar
Dan sekarang aku akan dalam perjalananku,
Seperti yang kita katakan di negara tua, "Taksi!"
Tahan!
Hei, sersan, lihat ini
-Apa?
-Yang ini tertulis, "Tunjukkan ke IRS."
'' Tak pernah akan tunjukkan pada lRS.''
Aku pikir kalian bertiga
-Tiga?
Tn. Bialystock?
Tn. Bloom?
Kamu dimana?
Setiap orang sedang menunggu untukmu
Ulla, bantulah aku
Apa yang terjadi padamu?
Aku tahu
Kamu gantungkan jas kamu
Terima kasih telah membantuku
Apa yang kamu lakukan diatas sana?
Bersembunyi
Aku sedang bersembunyi
Dari siapa? Dari apa?
Dari polisi
Mereka baru saja disini.
-Mereka temukan buku bukunya?
Max yang kasihan
Mungkin aku harus serahkan diriku
Baiklah, manisku,
...tapi terlihat bagiku
Pertama, kamu bisa masuk ke penjara dengan Tn. Bialystock...
...selama bertahun tahun dan bertahun tahun dan bertahun tahun
Atau kedua...
...kamu bisa ambil 2 juta dollar
Oh, Tuhanku, suatu dilemma
Oh, apa yang harus aku lakukan?
Haruskah aku ke penjara atau ke Rio?
Mail telpon
Hei, gendut
Aku tak begitu gemuk!
Kau yang bilang
Kamu dapat satu kartu pos
Kartu pos? Dari mana?
Brazil.
Siapa yang kukenal di Brazil?
Kenapa aku menanyakan kamu?
''Kepada Max, Rio adalah segala
Ulla dan aku pikirkan dirimu
Di pagi hari, kita
,,,banyak ikan haring yang berbeda,
Di siang hari, sewaktu kita saling menggosok
,,, dengan krim-pisang minyak kelapa,
Dan lalu, di malam hari, waktu
Kamu akan temukan kebahagiaan mu di Rio
Pantai pantai disana
Angin tropis
Dan begitu, kita mendengar
''Sori, aku harus pergi, Ulla sedang menunggu,
hampir jam 11,
Berharap kamu disini,
Sahabatmu, Leo,''
Seperti Cain dan Abel
Kamu menarik serangan yang secara tiba tiba
Aku pikir kita ini bagaikan saudara
Lalu kamu menusuk aku dari belakang
Terhianat
Oh, aku begitu terasa dihianati
Seperti Samson dan Delilah.
Aku sedang menangis dalam sini.
Terhianat
Mari kita hadapi, aku dihianati
Apa aku telah dipergunakan
Oh, aku begitu terabaikan
Aku harusnya bisa melihat
Aku harusnya tahu
Aku merasa seperti Othello
Leo adalah Iago
Max sudah dihianati
Aku begitu sedih
Apa aku telah katakan aku dihianati?
Sekarang aku akan masuk ke penjara.
Aku tak punya siapapun yang bisa untuk ditangisi.
Aku sedang tenggelam!
Aku sedang tenggelam disini!
Untuk pertama kalinya aku terjatuh
Aku bisa lihat seluruh hidupku
Aku melihat sebuah rumah tua di pertanian
Aku sedang berlari diatas tanah pertanian
Tidak, Rex, bukan di alfalfa
Dan aku melihat ibuku
Aku melihat Mama berdiri
...dalam baju gingham (kain genggang) yang sudah lama tapi bersih
Dan aku mendengar mama ku
Alvin!
Jangan lupakan tugasmu
Kayu perlu dipotong
Alvin! Alvin!
Tunggu sebentar
Namaku bukan Alvin.
Itu bukan kehidupanku
Hidup orang lain yang
Tentang apa ini?
Aku bukan orang dusun.
Leo telah mengambil segalanya,
Masa laluku adalah bara api yang sedang meredup
Tapi tunggu, sekarang aku ingat
Bagaimana mulainya?
Dengan skema nya
Kamu bisa buat lebih banyak uang
Kita bisa lakukan
Aku tak bisa lakukan
Tuhan, aku inginkan uang itu
Marilah, Leo, kita bisa lakukan itu
Langkah pertama, cari cerita sandiwaranya
Lihat, endus, sentuh, cium
Guten Tag hop hop|Guten Tag clop clop
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
Guten Tag hop hop|Guten Tag clop clop
Langkah kedua, cari direktornya.
Dua, tiga, tendang,
Ulla
Langkah ketiga, kumpulkan uang
Ikut datang Bialy
Langkah keempat, cari aktor pemainnya
Orang yang berlalu lalang
Berikutnya
Patahkan satu kaki
Musim semi untuk Hitler dan negeri Jerman
Suatu ledakan yang mengejutkan
Akan berlanjut selama bertahun tahun!
Dimana kita lakukan dengan benar?
Berikan aku buku buku itu
Buku buku, gemuk, buku buku, gemuk
Buah yang jelek
Kamu pernah makan dengan salah satu?
Lalu kamu lari ke Rio
Aku sedang dibelakang kamar tahanan ini
Kamu bercinta dengan Ulla di pantai
Persis seperti Julius Caesar
Yang telah dihianati oleh Brutus
Siapa yang pikir seorang akuntan
Aku begitu sedih
Apakah ini caranya aku dibalas?
Untuk jadi
Dihianati
Para bapak bapak dari juri,
Ya, Yang Terhormat, kita telah dapat
Kita temukan terdakwa
...sangat bersalah
Peganglah aku, sentuhlah aku
Aku sedikit sibuk
Apa terdakwa punya
Ya, Yang Terhormat, aku ada
Aku mengaku, selama 20 tahun terakhir
...bermuka dua, menusuk dari belakang,
Tapi aku tak punya pilihan
Aku adalah seorang produser Broadway
Seorang lelaki tanpa hati nurani...
...dan dengan tak ada orangpun
Dan itu, Yang Terhormat,
Aku pikir akhirnya
Seorang lelaki yang aku perdulikan...
...dan orang yang aku pikir
Apa yang membuat hatiku hancur adalah sekarang...
...waktu aku paling perlukan dirinya,
Aku mungkin tak akan bisa melihat
Itu tak benar!
Perintah! Perintah dalam pengadilan!
Dan hentikan samba itu!
-Siapa dirimu?
...partner Max Bialystock
Dan siapa dirimu, sayangku?
Namaku adalah|Ulla lnga Hansen Benson...
...Yonsen Tallen-Hallen|Svaden Svanson Bloom.
Bloom?
-Kamu adalah istrinya?
Dia tak akan lakukan
Dasar schmuck
Sekarang, Tn. Bloom,
...ingin kembali kesini
Kenapa? Untuk berbicara atas nama dirinya
Kita semua mengetahui bila Max Bialystock
...berwajah dua, licik,
Tolong...
...jangan bantu aku
Yang Terhormat--Yang Terhormat,
Peraturan pemerintah diciptakan untuk melindungi
Jadi pada siapa|Max Bialystock berbuat salah?
-Baiklah, tidak pada para ibu yang tersayang ini
Dan tidak padaku, bukan--
Bukan aku
Aku adalah seseorang yang bukan siapapun
Dahulu tak ada yang pernah panggil aku "Leo"
Maksudku, Yang Terhormat,
...tapi walau sewaktu aku di kelas TK
Aku kira itulah apa yang kucoba katakan
...dan memiliki segala
...Aku tiba tiba sadar bahwa--
Bahwa lelaki ini...
Lelaki ini...
Tak ada orang yang pernah membuat aku
Sampai dirinya
Hidup sungguh bukan apapun
Sampai dirinya
Keberadaan diriku dibatasi dengan tragis
Selalu takut dan malu
Lalu aku merasakan magis dirinya
Dan hatiku mulai bisa menari
Aku selalu ketakutan
Sampai dirinya
Aku tak pergi manapun dengan terburu buru
Sampai dirinya
Dia telah penuhi hidupku yang kosong
Dipenuhi sampai meluap
Bahwa tak pernah akan
Seperti dirinya
Leo....
Leo...
...Aku tak pernah menyadari
-Kamu adalah seorang penyanyi yang bagus
-Tidak, sungguh, bagai seorang yang ahli.
Aku nyanyikan karena aku adalah temanmu
Kamu sungguh temanku?
Aku telah mempunyai banyak hubungan...
...tapi kamu tak bisa sebut
Tapi bila dipikirkan...
...tak ada orang yang sungguh mengenal diriku
Sampai dirinya
Setiap orang selalu keluar
Sampai dirinya
Tak pernah menemui seorang lelaki yang bisa kupercayai
Di masa lalu selalu berhubungan
Sekarang aku telah merasa pas dan kerasan
Karena akhirnya aku memiliki seorang sahabat
Jangan bantu aku
Selalu bermain singels
Sampai dirinya
Tak pernah punya seorang sahabat
Sampai dirinya
Dia telah memenuhi hidupku yang kosong
-Dipenuhi sampai meluap
Tak pernah akan bisa ada
Yang lainnya
Seperti dirinya
Para bapak bapak, menghancurkan hatiku...
...untuk merusak
Jadi aku tak akan
Lima tahun di penjari negara
Harus nyanyi, nyanyi
Oh, kamu bisa menahan kita
Dan hilangkan kuncinya
Tapi hati dalam cinta
Adalah selalu bebas
Marilah, anak2 lelaki
Para tahanan dari cinta
Langit biru yang diatas
Karena kita masih adalah para tahanan cinta
Selamat
Kamu sekarang memiliki 45 persen...
...dari Para tahanan Cinta. Berikutnya!
-Sebegitu jauh, kamu sudah jual berapa banyak?
Apa itu semuanya? Tetap teruskan jual.
Baiklah, patahkan! Patahkan!
Berapa kali
Tak ada perkelahian dengan pisau dalam latihan
Hai. Kamu dalam sini untuk apa,
Antri di barisan.
Baiklah, kamu binatang,
Dari atas! Mulai, Franz!
Para Tahanan Cinta
Langit yang biru diatas
-Tak bisa menyimpan hatimu di penjara.
-Para Tahanan Cinta|-Itu saja
-Perkutut kita
Hei, kamu
Kepala pengawas penjara ingin ikut
Beritahu kepala pengawas bila kini dia telah miliki
-Terima kasih
Biarkan mereka mendengarmu dalam kesunyian
Bawa pulang, anak anak
Kita buka di Leavenworth
Hei, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind,|berita bagus!
Ini baru datang dari gubernur
''Para bapak bapak, disini kalian
...untuk mempunyai, lagu dan tarian yang telah
...dalam hati dari setiap pembunuh,
-Kamu bebas!
Yang selanjutnya, Prisoners of Love
-Broadway!|-Adolf, kamu harus beritahu para burung
Tapi hati dalam cinta
Harus nyanyi, nyanyi
Nyanyi, nyanyi
Prisoners of love(Para tahanan cinta)|Langit biru diatas
-Tak bisa menahan hati dalam penjara
Prisoners of love (Para tahanan cinta)
-Perkutut kita
-Pikul bundelan itu
Dan hilangkan kuncinya
Tapi hati dalam cinta
Para Tahanan Cinta
Langit biru diatas
Karena kita masih adalah para tahanan
Kita masih adalah para tahanan
Kita masih adalah para tahanan cinta
-Cinta, cinta, cinta|-Cinta, cinta, cinta, cinta
Cinta, cinta, cinta, cinta
Cinta
Leo dan Max
Menuju keatas dibawah belakang kita
Kembali pada Jalan Hebat yang Putih
Leo dan Max
Kembali dalam jalan kita
Kita kembali ke teratas untuk tetap bertahan
Jadi waktu kita ambil uangmu
Kita akan mengetuk di Broadway
Pemilihan pemainnya sangat bagus
Tapi ini kita beritahu padaku, para bapak bapak
Hanya bila tak pergi
Tanpa para produsernya
Kita tak akan pernah berhenti
Sukses dan sukses
Para produser
Musik pengantar telah selesai
Tirainya mulai dinaikkan
Kamu tiba tiba dalam clover (daun semanggi yang di percaya membawa keberuntungan)
Kamu tak bisa percaya pada pandanganmu
Kamu sedang duduk di pinggir kursi yang disebelah jalan kecil
Kamu tersenyum
Mengapa ada rasa magis ini?
Dan lalu kamu menyadari
Bahwa disitu adalah
Tak ada yang seperti pertunjukan di Broadway
Hati bisa ikut bersenang di Broadway
Jika kamu merasa bersedih
Itulah tempat untuk dikunjungi
Film film membosankan
TV juga hanya suatu kebosanan
Jadi pergilah berjalan
Pada tempat yang kita semua kagum
Karena tak ada apapun
Tak ada apapun
Sering dikatakan
Kritik selalu mengulangi itu berkali kali
Tapi teater masih sangat hidup
Walaupun kadang susah
Kamu menunggu selamanya
Untuk mendapatkan tempat dudukmu
Pria disebelah kananmu
Pria disebelah kirimu
Musiknya jelek
Pemainnya semua salah
Dan sewaktu kamu sampai pada toilet
Antriannya sepanjang lima mil
Tapi masih tak ada yang
Tak ada yang
Kamu bersumpah kamu tak akan pergi lagi
Karena hanya tak berguna
Kamu buat sumpah itu
-Kamu kesana lagi di jalan antara tempat duduk
Itulah mengapa itu
Tak ada yang seperti pertunjukan
Tak ada pertunjukan seperti
Sampai kamu nonton film
Tak ada
Dan walaupun mahal
Tak ada
Seperti pertunjukan di Broadway!
Jangan lupa beli Mein Kampf...
...dalam bungkusan kertas
Tersedia dekat kamu...
...di toko buku Borders...
...atau Barnes & Noble...
...dan amazon.com.
Terima kasih telah datang
Sedih untuk memberitahu kamu
Ambil topimu
Seandainya kamu tak memperhatikan
Sudah tak ada lagi
Jika kamu menyukai pertunjukan kita
Jika kamu pikir tak bagus
Kita senang kalian datang tapi
-Adios (Selamat tinggal)|-Au rev oir (Selamat tinggal)
-Wiedersehen(Selamat tinggal)|-Ta-ta-ta(Selamat tinggal)
-Selamat tinggal
Keluar
Sudah berakhir